Focusing on the living, and the guidelines that the Sages (successors of the Pharisees) have offered their followers over the past two millennia in the "mission impossible" of comforting the mourners, let us learn. The first stage of mourning is the pre-burial stage. Upon hearing the news, one tears a corner of the suit being worn as a symbol of grief (cf. Gen. 37:29,34). The bereaved is not to recite daily prayers as usual, since prayer without intention has little value. During this stage, one does not attempt to comfort the bereaved, but rather to support, aid and guide him through the necessary procedures until the relative is buried. Only after the body is in the ground does the mourner take the first, excruciatingly painful step of public prayer, of reciting the Kadish, a prayer affirming G-d. Upon being escorted home, the mourning family is fed a full meal, prepared by friends and the community at large. Although food is the last thing on the mind of the mourner, the tradition prescribes the beginning of an adjustment to the new reality. Thus begins the shiva (meaning seven), the first week after the burial. During this period, the mourning family is visited by friends and relatives from morning until night. The communal prayers are moved from the synagogue to the family house. There is crying, but there are also happy reminiscences of the one who died, of the good moments, of the idiosyncrasies. Mirrors in the home are covered, so that the mourners not be concerned with putting on appearances. Joyous music is not played, and they do not go out for an evening "in order to get over it all." It is a time to cry and grieve and face the new reality, but also to begin to reintegrate into the community. At the end of the week, the mourners return to visit the grave and end the shiva. They then return to the emptier house and the difficult month continues. On the shloshim (30th day), the cemetery is again visited. In Israel, the custom is to unveil the tombstone at this point; in most other countries this is at 11 months or a year. Each individual responds differently to the unfolding of the year, gradually adding joys and celebrations and rebuilding one’s life, enriched by the memories and spiritual inheritance of the one who has died.
Articles on Judaism: http://www.whatsjew.com/articles/
By: Rabbi Jonathan Matt
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